Friday, January 27, 2012

Hows this for baby-steps

I THINK we have taken a itsy bitsy teny weeny step forward.  Last night Hawk and I were snuggling in bed and he asked again..."whats on your mind????"  

I decided to ask him a very straight forward question. 

I asked him (after a lot of encouragement to just say whats on my mind)
 "Are you completely against using Domestic Discipline in our marriage, OR was the problem the way I approached you about it" 

He didn't even pause or blink...
"It was your approach.  I don't have any problems with DD or with spanking your butt"

To say I was nervous about what his reaction or response to that question would be is a complete understatement.  I was totally terrified that he would react very negatively to my question.  the last conversation we had about it 2 months ago was not good, not good at all.

When he answered me like that, I literally burst in to tears.  i cried, He just held me., told me it was ok, and waited for me to calm down so we could talk..eventually, I was able to pull it together.  I told him how sorry i was for messing it all up, and could we just talk about it for awhile, and then maybe eventually we would try it??? We Talked, we have alot more to talk about .... He didn't say Yes, but he didn't say No either.

 One step forward...

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Why is it so hard to ask??

Last night I was in a funk.  Well, actually for several weeks now I have felt this…anxiety…stress…balled up feeling.  Nothing is bothering me, specifically. At least nothing I can put my finger on. Its just a “feeling”.  For the past few days Hawk has been asking me “whats wrong”…

“nothing…I dunno” He doesn’t like that answer.  He doesn’t buy it at all.  But, he lets it go most times, he didn’t push for an answer. 

So, I set there…kind of fuming inside.  I know he doesn’t believe me (even though it’s the truth) He knows “something” is up.  He just doesn’t know what it is.  I don’t know WHAT it is, but, I do know WHAT will fix it.

I said something ‘smart’ earlier in the evening while in the kitchen.  I was being a pain (in a fun way…at least in my mind lol) and pushing his buttons a little.  I got “the look” and just laughed a little and kept doing what I was doing. Next thing I knew,  SMACK SMACK…”do you have an issue Jenna?” 


SMACK SMACK SMACK  (me jumping around, looking to see WHAT he is smacking my bottom with)

“What are you jumping for…(uummm duh…wadda you think) I thought you like this”

“I’m just trying to see what you have in your hand, what is THAT a plastic pop bottle ....seriously??? and I do like it, sometimes…owww!”      

"Why does it matter what I have in my hand????  I’ll smack your butt with what ever I want…when ever I want”      (uuuuuuhh…ok.... stupid look on my face as I just stand there) 

He gives me one more swat, then off he goes into the living room.  Just like that, not another word, just walks back into the living room.

Seriously…this happens A LOT…random smacks, little spankings for no reason at all.  It FRUSTRATES the hell out of me!  He knows that I enjoy spanking…he knows that enjoy D/s, he knows I respond to it sexually and in our everyday interactions it not only excites me, but keeps my attitude positive and my mood stays good.  He knows I also want DD and I want spanking to be used for discipline and punishment.  I know the difference.  The after effect of discipline/punishment is so hard to explain, but, that’s what I am really missing/needing right now. We don’t use spanking for discipline or punishment.  Not REALLY…We have only twice in the past.  The spankings SUCKED!!  They were NOT fun, they did NOT excite me sexually, but, I still want that because it is just …real… and I need real.  (I’m not making sense am I)

We do “spank” for fun.  Now “spanking” for fun involves any and all kinds of impact play... so when I ask (and I rarely ask) for a spanking, I usually don’t get a “spanking”…I get the crop, or the strap, the belt…and its  always “for fun”…. Some bondage, some humiliation play (mild stuff) just crazy, kinky PLAY… Its erotic its exciting…its so very fun, … its not “real” .  Anyway…

Later in bed, we are watching TV and Hawk is lightly rubbing my back, and my bottom.  Every now and then, a very slight, little “smack” to my bottom.  At one point I turn to look at him.  I guess a look does say a thousand words because he gets the “I think I did something, but I’m not quite sure what it is look” and says “what????”  I really TRIED to bring my self to just tell him that its really frustrating for me when he does that…and why.  But, instead I just say…

“If your gonna smack it, why don’t you just SMACK it and stop messing around .”

This gets no reply…I settle back down to get comfy and …SMACK SMACK!   SMACK!    SMACK SMACK SMACK!

“you mean like that???”  

“yeah…that’s a little better…” This goes on for a little while.  No words, he is watching TV, just smacking away.  It was nice…but, it wasn’t exactly what I needed, I really wanted a full on spanking.  It wasn’t very hard, it didn’t really hurt (much lol) so, I just tried to enjoy it, then, all of a sudden, I felt that “feeling”, the walls coming down…cracking a little….it freaked me out a little because it usually takes a while for me to break and let go of the frustrations.  I seriously almost started crying. From less than a dozen not so serious smacks to bottom… Sheesh.  I feel so freakish sometimes.  I think he noticed, but he didn’t say anything about it. He smacked a few more times, then went back to watching TV.  I was feeling more than a little needy, so I tried to get my self undercontrol before I starting crying.  I rolled on my side and wiggled my butt closer to him....he rubbed a little more and then he announced…”I think that gave me stiffy”  ….Uuuugh. 

I did start laughing a little and I was glad for the distraction, because I think he wouldn’t have taken it well if I had started crying at that point….  So, we move on to other things , exciting, fun things…it was great, and I was feeling pretty “well used” by the end of the evening… but, it just wasn’t enough, and I realized then, that I have to break down and just ASK for some help soon.  We snuggled a bit after…I just couldn’t get the courage to say anything yet…WHY is it so hard to ask???? 

Soooo this morning…we are doing our usually morning routine, watching the news, having coffee and a few cigarettes before going off to shower and get ready for work.  I am a pretty quiet person, and I really am not a talker in the morning. I’m quite happy just watching the news, drinking our coffee and setting together on the couch.  I did wake up with a few nice “subby” feelings left over from last night..but…the tension started coming back pretty fast and I was just trying not to think about it… I didn’t think I was any quieter than normal, but…apparently, I was. Again he asks me a couple times if something was on my mind.  He DOES always notice my mood changes, even when they are very very slight.  Usually I tell him he is over reacting or being suspicious most of the time, but, he is usually right, when he says I’m not acting like my self.

“nope, nothing…I’m fine…just a little tired…blah blah”….I’m sooo full of shit!.

Most times he mistakenly thinks it is “something” that’s bothering me…a situation, an event, a worry, it rarely is “anything” specific.  Its just a “mood” that I get in. Most times, I am totally unaware that I am acting any differently, and sense “nothing in particular” is causing me extra stress or worry, I just can’t come up with an explanation or reason for my mood.  He just doesn’t understand or realize that it really is nothing….its just ME…I am the problem I’m trying to deal with and get a grip on…and I can’t do it by my self. Uuuugh

I escape to the bathroom to shower and get ready for work..a few minutes later….He stuck his head into the room and just looked at me…I paused to look back, asked him what he needed and went back to putting on my make up.  He just stood there for a minute, and asked me AGAIN…what is bothering me…and said that I was being really quite this morning.
“nothing is bothering me…nothings on my mind…” (now stop asking me jeesh)…He just said, ok…and he shut the door and went back downstairs.

I had this flash in my mind…Him coming back in the bathroom, bending me over and just letting loose on my stubborn posterior until I adjusted my attitude and stopped being so distant and quiet…….I made a decision, I decided I was just gonna tell him that I need his help.  After I finished getting ready I went into the living room to set and have a little more coffee with him before we leave for the day.

I had to force myself, because I am sooo nervous about bringing up spanking in any way except during fore play or when we are just horsing around because…well…I get really embarrassed, and I feel like a freak for having this need…but…I put my arm around his shoulder and said

“there really is NOTHING wrong, nothing I am worried about, and …I know you don’t believe me, I seen the doubt on your face.. , I really don’t have an explanation….I just feel “tense” and moody and I don’t know why.” 

He said he believed me, and if I said I was ok, then ok…and he wont ask again. He still isn't buyin it is he???

Sooo…I said….”When you went out of the bathroom, the first thing I thought to myself is….Maybe…if he would beat on my ass for awhile (I just can’t say “spank me” when its serious)….I’d FEEL better”…(shrugging shoulders, totally embarrassed, and omg, I’m gonna cry… keep it together or he will think you’re a complete nut case…) 

“is that completely crazy???  You said you want me to be open with you about everything and tell you things instead of “hiding” so, thought maybe I should tell you what I was thinking”  (eyes are now FULL of tears, but I’m keeping it together)

I waited for him to say something, anything…Finally I get the courage to look at him and when I do, He just looking at me with this “thinking” look on his face and he says…
  'I just may need to do that tonight then” and with out missing a beat, or breaking eye contact he says…”so what are you making for dinner???”  

Well....that was easy.

WHY!!!!?? Do I get so nervous about just telling him I need a spanking!  Most times he is happy to help…as long as I don't push about DD …he is usually good with it.  Not always…but most of the time he just says " problem..." I haven't asked alot...I don't know over the last 9 months maybe a dozen times...and that includes foreplay, but I would have to honestly say I might have been "turned down" only once or twice .

Anyway…sorry..I’m writing and writing, and going in circles.  I guess i just have to wait and see what happens tonight.  I really want to talk to him about maintenance...I've brought it up before and I'm not sure if he understands what I am talking about. Guess i will see how it goes and hopefully I can keep up my courage and just ask. 

Well…wish me luck…I’m gonna need it.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Hawk and the Nightingale

Aesop's Fables, translated by Laura Gibbs (2002)

Perry 4 (Hesiod, Works and Days 202 ff.)
This is how the hawk addressed the dapple-throated nightingale as he carried her high into the clouds, holding her tightly in his talons. As the nightingale sobbed pitifully, pierced by the hawk's crooked talons, the hawk pronounced these words of power, 'Wretched creature, what are you prattling about? You are in the grip of one who is far stronger than you, and you will go wherever I may lead you, even if you are a singer. You will be my dinner, if that's what I want, or I might decide to let you go.'
It is a foolish man who thinks he can oppose people who are more powerful he is: he will be defeated in the contest, suffering both pain and humiliation.

So I have been trying to come up with a “name” for my self and my husband to use on my blog.  I don’t know why it matters, I could use our real names and really would any one know???  BUT, it seems more fun to try and find names that have a meaning, even if the meaning only makes sense to me. LOL So I am finding my own message in the fable of The Hawk and the Nightingale 

The Nightingale must give in to the power of the Hawk and go where ever he leads, maybe he will eat her, maybe he will let her go, he may just carry her with him and listen to her sing…The Hawk is in charge, fighting and resisting the Hawk will only lead to defeat, pain and humiliation…

So, I am calling my husband Hawk, and for my self I am choosing Jenna which means small bird.
Yeah…I’m a dork

Monday, January 16, 2012

Contentment, Closet Doors and Missed Spankings

My husband and I had a conversation last night that I am still trying to figure some things out so, I need to write.  We didn't actually have a conversation.  He TRIED to express some concerns to me about our relationship and it really was not all that productive.  But, often times, our "conversations" go round and round, and really don't accomplish what they need to.
We have some "issues" in our marriage we really need to work on  and "communication" is a huge one.  We are just not good at communication.  We both have a lot of trouble expressing our thoughts to one another in a way that the other can understand.  I know that's a really common problem especially between men and women.  We just think and feel differently.  I understand that, accept it, and try to remember that just because we don't think alike doesnt mean either of us is right or wrong we just look at things differently.  He is not quite so good an realizing that its ok to think and feel differently about things and sometimes our conversations can turn to disagreements, then arguments and eventually all out fights.  We BOTH tend to put up our defences pretty quickly. So we have gotten into the very bad habit of just not REALLY talking.  We joke around, we small talk, but we really don't "TALK" .  We are working on it..slowly with lots of baby steps...but thats probably a topic for another post.
Back to the conversation last night.  He TRIED to express some concerns, he feels we are to 'content' in our marriage.  He views being content as a completely negative thing.  He thinks/feels that we  just go by, day to day, nothing really bad, nothing really good, just ok.  He feels its way to soon in our marriage for us to become so "dull and boring" .
 He says  he just feels like we aren't "doing" anything or 'going' anywhere.  Kind of like treading water, but not making any real progress toward the shore.
For me...the word and feeling of contentment is totally different than his.
I consider "contentment" as a positive thing in a persons life.  Contentment is a state of "being" , happiness is a temporary emotion.  Happiness comes and it goes, sometimes your REALLY happy, sometimes your really NOT happy.  A person who is TRULY content has inner peace and acceptance of self and the world around them.  Those who are content have real feeling of gratitude and satisfaction for what they have, for who they are, and for those around them.
What I really feel he is expressing is discontent...dissatisfaction...and bordome.
So, like many couples, we have settled into a "routine" of coming home from work, I make dinner, we eat, chat a bit about "nothing important", then watch the TV till bed.  We always go to bed together, watch a little more tv, maybe, if we are not really tired we have sex, and then go to sleep...usually in that order.. yeah...sounds really boring like that doesn't it.  We do have a couple evening each week with social obligations.  But again, we attend these together.  I know many people feel its BAD to do everything together and that people need separate interests and things to do.  I agree to a point, but we just prefer being together. I said...I think (hope)its more boredom and restlessness that he is trying to deal with.  This is one of the reasons I am trying to really encourage him to bring D/s OUT of the bed room and further into our everyday.  I know it REALLY does make a big difference as far as bringing "excitement" back into the marriage, not to mention all the other positive effects it has.
So...last week I thought we were making some I said in my into to my blog...He has been acting a little more Dominant lately....pushing me for a little more submission now and again..."threatening" to deal with my "attitude"...but now, its kind of sliding back again to him withdrawing and becoming frustrated easily with me.  Which, intern, makes me NOT so submissive.
Last night, later after we went to bed I actually had a oportunity to get a very needed and over due spanking.  But MISS ATTITUDE showed up and ruined my chances.  I have a really bad habit of leaving the closet door open.  This TOTALLY frustrates and just plan irritates Hubby to death.  He "mentioned' it was to bad that his favorite paddle was buried under to much junk or he would get it and spank my butt for leaving the closet door open agian.  Ok, the occasional 'threats' dont really bother me much, I just say, yeah right..sure you will...and usually I'm flipped over, and given a few playfull swats then we are on to "other" activities.
But this time, it just hit the WRONG nerve. 
(So what did I say in response ????me and my big mouth???
..."A spanking!!!! for that!!...SERIOUSLY......its a closet leaving a DOOR OPEN really that huge of an issue in our marriage???," "with all the different problems married couples can have the closet door is that important to you???"   said with as much sarcasm as I could muster at that point.
  Needless to say, I didn't get that spanking.  I guess its good we don't practice DD yet, or I think it may have been one to remember.  We actually did have a bit of a conversation about a few things after that, and the evening didn't turn bad or anything...just no real spanking or even a real nice spanking was happening last night.
I know I should have said ...."I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention again" and just been HONEST and NOT defensive.  At that point, sense He brought up the spanking it would have been really easy to just go along and AGREE that it just might help "remind" me sence its been awhile.  But noooo...maybe someday I will learn....
Ok...guess I totally got off the subject of why I started this post...get used to that...I usually go from one thought to another, with out, well...much thought.
  What I am really interested in right now is other opinions and views of what "contentment" is or isn't.  What do you think when someone says they are 'content"  is it bad or good???
Is it  an "enlightened" state of existence , or is it just "settling"  for what is and never striving for or wanting more/better.

starting my blog

Perhaps just writing and sorting out my thoughts will help me more than I realize. I really don't know if anyone will be interested in my story or my struggles, but here goes.  if you continue to read be warned....I am NOT a writer, I probably wont make sense, I will jump from one thought to another, I might post often, I might only post once in awhile.  I really have no here goes

About 9 months ago I found Domestic Discipline.  I have tried to get my husband to agree to this lifestyle for what seems like a really long time.  I understand from some blogs it could actually take YEARS!!!!  Many of the blogs I have found seem to move very fast from "learning about DD" to getting there husbands to understand and agree.  I guess I thought it would be so much easier and faster.  I didn't think it would be so hard!!!  It seems for every step forward, we move two steps back.  I didn't think it would cause so much tension and stress in our marriage just trying to talk about it.  So right now we are NOT a DD couple.  I hope that will change one day.

Erotic Dominance and submission has always been a part of our marriage. But the roles in our domestic life were not clearly defined.  There was no Leader, no HOH, we both were trying to fill that role and it was NOT working!!!  We are still working on it and we have made some improvements. Taking  D/s  out of the bed room and into our everyday life has made a difference.

When I asked my husband if we could take D/s from the bed room and bring it fully into our marriage he was skeptical, but interested in trying. I'm a pretty strong person, I am confidant, a bit controlling and bossy at times, yadda yadda, pretty much the same description many DD wives give of them selves.  One day I may elaborate, but not right now...

When I explained why I wanted and needed to submit to his authority, and compared it to the feelings that sexual D/s gives me he seemed to understand that and  he was all for it, when we brought D/s out of the bed room and into our everyday life, the changes were amazing. About 2 months later, I found DD on the internet.  At first I thought, this isn't "real", its BDSM in prettier package. (no offence if you are in a BDSM relationship, I KNOW its real for you, it just doesn't work that way for me...maybe I'll explain that another time) Then as I read a little more I thought, ok, this DD stuff is pretty interesting..but to ACTUALLY be SPANKED as a REAL form of discipline/punishment, I DON'T THINK SO!!!!  Not this girl!!!!!
But still...I couldn't stop reading, I couldn't stop learning, then, one day my husband and I had a itsy bitsy little fight, and at some point I remembered saying to him, (half serious half joking)
"if you just SPANKED me then we could just be done with this "issue" and move on"...or something to that effect.
He thought I was joking, because he started laughing a little and said
"ok, lets go".... he thought I was talking about a playful sexy spanking and that just kind of "broke the tension" of our little fight... he flipped me over on the couch..... proceeded to administer that "spanking" with the "intent" to teach me a lesson.  Eventually we went up stairs to be and we moved on to "other things" and had the MOST amazing sex and alot more "spanking" and "impact play".

After.....We cuddled, we talked, we resolved our issue that we had be fighting over only a few hours before and all was right with the world. (our fights NEVER ended this way or this quickly, they usually dragged out for days and the tension and stress of that would make us both crazy)I drifted off to sleep and had one of the best nights sleep of my life.  The next day, we both woke up refreshed, happy.

I went off to work, with a kiss good bye and a nice swat to by VERY sore bottom.  I looked back at my husband and felt such a rush of love and DESIRE, I had no lingering fears about our fight, because we resolved it right then and there and all was right with the world.
All day long at work ALL I could think was..."OMG this DD stuff really works"  LOL  I actually told my self we were officially a DD couple now, I really don't know WHAT I was thinking!!!!!!   I was sooooo foolish to think that.
uuuuugh...I literally bombarded my poor husband over the next few weeks with emails and links to blogs.  At first he kind of expressed a little interest and would read a post here or there, but, the more I sent him, the more I expressed interest in DD, the more he frustrated he became with me.  We starting having issues after a month or so of me constantly bringing up DD.
 I would try to "explain" to him that our problems were coming back because we "weren't doing DD  that would fix EVERYTHING don't cha know"....he pretty much told me that I had lost my mind and I was to "obsessed" with reading all the blogs and the web sites.  he was getting very angry with me and we had a HUGE fight, I was given a choice...STOP with all the blogs and pushing for DD or we were going to end up getting a divorce.  I was shocked...I didn't know what to say or think...HOW COULD HE say that to me???
Well, you know he was right (duh---obviously) I had completely lost sight of WHY I wanted DD in the first place.  To make our marriage BETTER.
That last MAJOR fight, about 2 months ago helped me realize alot of things.  The first thing it made me see was...I HAD to "let go" of my expectations, stop making demands, and just let him  lead in his way and in his time.  I stopped reading blogs for a while and  tried to just put my desire for DD out of my head and really get my head on straight.  I really had put my desire/need for DD to rest (or so I thought)  Over the past month, I have noticed that my husband is becoming more and more Dominant with me...doing the whole "I'm the boss not you, now do what I tell you or else"  thing   (hummmm),
He has started "threatening me" with "attitude adjustments" ...(uhhhh..ok...) the other night he looked me straight in the eye and said..."If you do "that" again, I am going to BLISTER your @ss"
EXCUSE ME????????  wtf....I thought we had put THAT away forever (of course I thought this and didn't say anything I thought..."ummm yeah right WHAT EVER!!!!, you don't mean that...your not being serious, YOU DON'T have the nerve and just who do you think you are the BOSS OF ME".
But all I did was say..."ummmm, Honey we don't do "that" your just kidding right?'
He didn't say either way if he was or wasn't...but over the this last month there have been MANY other occasions that he has "hinted" around about punishments, and spankings, and learning my "place" better, listening and obeying him better.
EXCUSE ME??????? again WHAT???
Sooooo...I am seriously confused (thus my reason for starting this blog to try and think and make sense of things) On one hand he expressed no interest in actually making  DD  a lifestyle choice for us,  he still says to me now and then.....he is NOT that into it, but he does think I sometimes need a good smack".  (seriously...make up your mind dude)
 The more I submit, the more I turn control over to him and focus on my actions and reactions, trying to follow the 4 Ds ...the more HOHy he becomes.  I just don't get him sometimes.
Soooo...I know this is sooooo long, I just can't seem to stop thinking.  I know we don't have a DD marriage,...that actually requires TALKING about it and coming to an AGREEMENT right???
Its defiantly D/s in the bed room and slowly entering our everyday life, we absolutely are becoming more "traditional" in our roles of Husband as the Leader and the Wife as the follower in the marriage.
But, maybe, if I am patient, we will move in that direction and just fall into our roles with out making DD a formal thing.  I don't know what its so important to me that we say "we have a DD marriage now, do I REALLY need that "formal structure"???? Or can it just "happen" and develop on its own??