starting my blog

Perhaps just writing and sorting out my thoughts will help me more than I realize. I really don't know if anyone will be interested in my story or my struggles, but here goes.  if you continue to read be warned....I am NOT a writer, I probably wont make sense, I will jump from one thought to another, I might post often, I might only post once in awhile.  I really have no idea....so here goes

About 9 months ago I found Domestic Discipline.  I have tried to get my husband to agree to this lifestyle for what seems like a really long time.  I understand from some blogs it could actually take YEARS!!!!  Many of the blogs I have found seem to move very fast from "learning about DD" to getting there husbands to understand and agree.  I guess I thought it would be so much easier and faster.  I didn't think it would be so hard!!!  It seems for every step forward, we move two steps back.  I didn't think it would cause so much tension and stress in our marriage just trying to talk about it.  So right now we are NOT a DD couple.  I hope that will change one day.

Erotic Dominance and submission has always been a part of our marriage. But the roles in our domestic life were not clearly defined.  There was no Leader, no HOH, we both were trying to fill that role and it was NOT working!!!  We are still working on it and we have made some improvements. Taking  D/s  out of the bed room and into our everyday life has made a difference.

When I asked my husband if we could take D/s from the bed room and bring it fully into our marriage he was skeptical, but interested in trying. I'm a pretty strong person, I am confidant, a bit controlling and bossy at times, yadda yadda, pretty much the same description many DD wives give of them selves.  One day I may elaborate, but not right now...

When I explained why I wanted and needed to submit to his authority, and compared it to the feelings that sexual D/s gives me he seemed to understand that and  he was all for it, when we brought D/s out of the bed room and into our everyday life, the changes were amazing. About 2 months later, I found DD on the internet.  At first I thought, this isn't "real", its BDSM in prettier package. (no offence if you are in a BDSM relationship, I KNOW its real for you, it just doesn't work that way for me...maybe I'll explain that another time) Then as I read a little more I thought, ok, this DD stuff is pretty interesting..but to ACTUALLY be SPANKED as a REAL form of discipline/punishment, I DON'T THINK SO!!!!  Not this girl!!!!!
But still...I couldn't stop reading, I couldn't stop learning, then, one day my husband and I had a itsy bitsy little fight, and at some point I remembered saying to him, (half serious half joking)
"if you just SPANKED me then we could just be done with this "issue" and move on"...or something to that effect.
He thought I was joking, because he started laughing a little and said
"ok, lets go".... he thought I was talking about a playful sexy spanking and that just kind of "broke the tension" of our little fight... he flipped me over on the couch..... proceeded to administer that "spanking" with the "intent" to teach me a lesson.  Eventually we went up stairs to be and we moved on to "other things" and had the MOST amazing sex and alot more "spanking" and "impact play".

After.....We cuddled, we talked, we resolved our issue that we had be fighting over only a few hours before and all was right with the world. (our fights NEVER ended this way or this quickly, they usually dragged out for days and the tension and stress of that would make us both crazy)I drifted off to sleep and had one of the best nights sleep of my life.  The next day, we both woke up refreshed, happy.

I went off to work, with a kiss good bye and a nice swat to by VERY sore bottom.  I looked back at my husband and felt such a rush of love and DESIRE, I had no lingering fears about our fight, because we resolved it right then and there and all was right with the world.
All day long at work ALL I could think was..."OMG this DD stuff really works"  LOL  I actually told my self we were officially a DD couple now, I really don't know WHAT I was thinking!!!!!!   I was sooooo foolish to think that.
uuuuugh...I literally bombarded my poor husband over the next few weeks with emails and links to blogs.  At first he kind of expressed a little interest and would read a post here or there, but, the more I sent him, the more I expressed interest in DD, the more he frustrated he became with me.  We starting having issues after a month or so of me constantly bringing up DD.
 I would try to "explain" to him that our problems were coming back because we "weren't doing DD  that would fix EVERYTHING don't cha know"....he pretty much told me that I had lost my mind and I was to "obsessed" with reading all the blogs and the web sites.  he was getting very angry with me and we had a HUGE fight, I was given a choice...STOP with all the blogs and pushing for DD or we were going to end up getting a divorce.  I was shocked...I didn't know what to say or think...HOW COULD HE say that to me???
Well, you know he was right (duh---obviously) I had completely lost sight of WHY I wanted DD in the first place.  To make our marriage BETTER.
That last MAJOR fight, about 2 months ago helped me realize alot of things.  The first thing it made me see was...I HAD to "let go" of my expectations, stop making demands, and just let him  lead in his way and in his time.  I stopped reading blogs for a while and  tried to just put my desire for DD out of my head and really get my head on straight.  I really had put my desire/need for DD to rest (or so I thought)  Over the past month, I have noticed that my husband is becoming more and more Dominant with me...doing the whole "I'm the boss not you, now do what I tell you or else"  thing   (hummmm),
He has started "threatening me" with "attitude adjustments" ...(uhhhh..ok...) the other night he looked me straight in the eye and said..."If you do "that" again, I am going to BLISTER your @ss"
EXCUSE ME????????  wtf....I thought we had put THAT away forever (of course I thought this and didn't say anything I thought..."ummm yeah right WHAT EVER!!!!, you don't mean that...your not being serious, YOU DON'T have the nerve and just who do you think you are the BOSS OF ME".
But all I did was say..."ummmm, Honey we don't do "that" your just kidding right?'
He didn't say either way if he was or wasn't...but over the this last month there have been MANY other occasions that he has "hinted" around about punishments, and spankings, and learning my "place" better, listening and obeying him better.
EXCUSE ME??????? again WHAT???
Sooooo...I am seriously confused (thus my reason for starting this blog to try and think and make sense of things) On one hand he expressed no interest in actually making  DD  a lifestyle choice for us,  he still says to me now and then.....he is NOT that into it, but he does think I sometimes need a good smack".  (seriously...make up your mind dude)
 The more I submit, the more I turn control over to him and focus on my actions and reactions, trying to follow the 4 Ds ...the more HOHy he becomes.  I just don't get him sometimes.
Soooo...I know this is sooooo long, I just can't seem to stop thinking.  I know we don't have a DD marriage,...that actually requires TALKING about it and coming to an AGREEMENT right???
Its defiantly D/s in the bed room and slowly entering our everyday life, we absolutely are becoming more "traditional" in our roles of Husband as the Leader and the Wife as the follower in the marriage.
But, maybe, if I am patient, we will move in that direction and just fall into our roles with out making DD a formal thing.  I don't know what its so important to me that we say "we have a DD marriage now, do I REALLY need that "formal structure"???? Or can it just "happen" and develop on its own??