Why is it so hard to ask??

Last night I was in a funk.  Well, actually for several weeks now I have felt this…anxiety…stress…balled up feeling.  Nothing is bothering me, specifically. At least nothing I can put my finger on. Its just a “feeling”.  For the past few days Hawk has been asking me “whats wrong”…

“nothing…I dunno” He doesn’t like that answer.  He doesn’t buy it at all.  But, he lets it go most times, he didn’t push for an answer. 

So, I set there…kind of fuming inside.  I know he doesn’t believe me (even though it’s the truth) He knows “something” is up.  He just doesn’t know what it is.  I don’t know WHAT it is, but, I do know WHAT will fix it.

I said something ‘smart’ earlier in the evening while in the kitchen.  I was being a pain (in a fun way…at least in my mind lol) and pushing his buttons a little.  I got “the look” and just laughed a little and kept doing what I was doing. Next thing I knew,  SMACK SMACK…”do you have an issue Jenna?” 

“NOPE…”

SMACK SMACK SMACK  (me jumping around, looking to see WHAT he is smacking my bottom with)

“What are you jumping for…(uummm duh…wadda you think) I thought you like this”

“I’m just trying to see what you have in your hand, what is THAT a plastic pop bottle ....seriously??? and I do like it, sometimes…owww!”      

"Why does it matter what I have in my hand????  I’ll smack your butt with what ever I want…when ever I want”      (uuuuuuhh…ok.... stupid look on my face as I just stand there) 

He gives me one more swat, then off he goes into the living room.  Just like that, not another word, just walks back into the living room.

Seriously…this happens A LOT…random smacks, little spankings for no reason at all.  It FRUSTRATES the hell out of me!  He knows that I enjoy spanking…he knows that enjoy D/s, he knows I respond to it sexually and in our everyday interactions it not only excites me, but keeps my attitude positive and my mood stays good.  He knows I also want DD and I want spanking to be used for discipline and punishment.  I know the difference.  The after effect of discipline/punishment is so hard to explain, but, that’s what I am really missing/needing right now. We don’t use spanking for discipline or punishment.  Not REALLY…We have only twice in the past.  The spankings SUCKED!!  They were NOT fun, they did NOT excite me sexually, but, I still want that because it is just …real… and I need real.  (I’m not making sense am I)

We do “spank” for fun.  Now “spanking” for fun involves any and all kinds of impact play... so when I ask (and I rarely ask) for a spanking, I usually don’t get a “spanking”…I get the crop, or the strap, the belt…and its  always “for fun”…. Some bondage, some humiliation play (mild stuff) just crazy, kinky PLAY… Its erotic its exciting…its so very fun, … its not “real” .  Anyway…

Later in bed, we are watching TV and Hawk is lightly rubbing my back, and my bottom.  Every now and then, a very slight, little “smack” to my bottom.  At one point I turn to look at him.  I guess a look does say a thousand words because he gets the “I think I did something, but I’m not quite sure what it is look” and says “what????”  I really TRIED to bring my self to just tell him that its really frustrating for me when he does that…and why.  But, instead I just say…

“If your gonna smack it, why don’t you just SMACK it and stop messing around .”

This gets no reply…I settle back down to get comfy and …SMACK SMACK!   SMACK!    SMACK SMACK SMACK!

“you mean like that???”  

“yeah…that’s a little better…” This goes on for a little while.  No words, he is watching TV, just smacking away.  It was nice…but, it wasn’t exactly what I needed, I really wanted a full on spanking.  It wasn’t very hard, it didn’t really hurt (much lol) so, I just tried to enjoy it, then, all of a sudden, I felt that “feeling”, the walls coming down…cracking a little….it freaked me out a little because it usually takes a while for me to break and let go of the frustrations.  I seriously almost started crying. From less than a dozen not so serious smacks to bottom… Sheesh.  I feel so freakish sometimes.  I think he noticed, but he didn’t say anything about it. He smacked a few more times, then went back to watching TV.  I was feeling more than a little needy, so I tried to get my self undercontrol before I starting crying.  I rolled on my side and wiggled my butt closer to him....he rubbed a little more and then he announced…”I think that gave me stiffy”  ….Uuuugh. 

I did start laughing a little and I was glad for the distraction, because I think he wouldn’t have taken it well if I had started crying at that point….  So, we move on to other things , exciting, fun things…it was great, and I was feeling pretty “well used” by the end of the evening… but, it just wasn’t enough, and I realized then, that I have to break down and just ASK for some help soon.  We snuggled a bit after…I just couldn’t get the courage to say anything yet…WHY is it so hard to ask???? 

Soooo this morning…we are doing our usually morning routine, watching the news, having coffee and a few cigarettes before going off to shower and get ready for work.  I am a pretty quiet person, and I really am not a talker in the morning. I’m quite happy just watching the news, drinking our coffee and setting together on the couch.  I did wake up with a few nice “subby” feelings left over from last night..but…the tension started coming back pretty fast and I was just trying not to think about it… I didn’t think I was any quieter than normal, but…apparently, I was. Again he asks me a couple times if something was on my mind.  He DOES always notice my mood changes, even when they are very very slight.  Usually I tell him he is over reacting or being suspicious most of the time, but, he is usually right, when he says I’m not acting like my self.

“nope, nothing…I’m fine…just a little tired…blah blah”….I’m sooo full of shit!.

Most times he mistakenly thinks it is “something” that’s bothering me…a situation, an event, a worry, it rarely is “anything” specific.  Its just a “mood” that I get in. Most times, I am totally unaware that I am acting any differently, and sense “nothing in particular” is causing me extra stress or worry, I just can’t come up with an explanation or reason for my mood.  He just doesn’t understand or realize that it really is nothing….its just ME…I am the problem I’m trying to deal with and get a grip on…and I can’t do it by my self. Uuuugh

I escape to the bathroom to shower and get ready for work..a few minutes later….He stuck his head into the room and just looked at me…I paused to look back, asked him what he needed and went back to putting on my make up.  He just stood there for a minute, and asked me AGAIN…what is bothering me…and said that I was being really quite this morning.

“nothing is bothering me…nothings on my mind…” (now stop asking me jeesh)…He just said, ok…and he shut the door and went back downstairs.

I had this flash in my mind…Him coming back in the bathroom, bending me over and just letting loose on my stubborn posterior until I adjusted my attitude and stopped being so distant and quiet…….I made a decision, I decided I was just gonna tell him that I need his help.  After I finished getting ready I went into the living room to set and have a little more coffee with him before we leave for the day.

I had to force myself, because I am sooo nervous about bringing up spanking in any way except during fore play or when we are just horsing around because…well…I get really embarrassed, and I feel like a freak for having this need…but…I put my arm around his shoulder and said

“there really is NOTHING wrong, nothing I am worried about, and …I know you don’t believe me, I seen the doubt on your face.. , I really don’t have an explanation….I just feel “tense” and moody and I don’t know why.” 

He said he believed me, and if I said I was ok, then ok…and he wont ask again. He still isn't buyin it is he???

Sooo…I said….”When you went out of the bathroom, the first thing I thought to myself is….Maybe…if he would beat on my ass for awhile (I just can’t say “spank me” when its serious)….I’d FEEL better”…(shrugging shoulders, totally embarrassed, and omg, I’m gonna cry… keep it together or he will think you’re a complete nut case…) 

“is that completely crazy???  You said you want me to be open with you about everything and tell you things instead of “hiding” so, thought maybe I should tell you what I was thinking”  (eyes are now FULL of tears, but I’m keeping it together)

I waited for him to say something, anything…Finally I get the courage to look at him and when I do, He just looking at me with this “thinking” look on his face and he says…

  'I just may need to do that tonight then” and with out missing a beat, or breaking eye contact he says…”so what are you making for dinner???”  

Well....that was easy.

WHY!!!!?? Do I get so nervous about just telling him I need a spanking!  Most times he is happy to help…as long as I don't push about DD …he is usually good with it.  Not always…but most of the time he just says "sure..no problem..." I haven't asked alot...I don't know over the last 9 months maybe a dozen times...and that includes foreplay, but I would have to honestly say I might have been "turned down" only once or twice .

Anyway…sorry..I’m writing and writing, and going in circles.  I guess i just have to wait and see what happens tonight.  I really want to talk to him about maintenance...I've brought it up before and I'm not sure if he understands what I am talking about. Guess i will see how it goes and hopefully I can keep up my courage and just ask. 

Well…wish me luck…I’m gonna need it.